loving you all my days

Today the Fossiers celebrate three years of marriage and I wanted to steel a moment away to wish my guy happy anniversary.  

Will we ever fully realize the depths of the commitment we made to one another three years ago?  I don't know.  I do know, however, that there is only one person that I could ever do life with, and that's Brad Fossier.  Our life is messy and sometimes uncomfortable, but having Brad smiling at my side has made dealing with the hard parts sweet.  He's seen me at my best and my worst and still thinks I'm a good person.  He supports me, encourages me, and challenges me to be a better human being.  He continues to teach me the truest meaning of the word love. And, above all, he prays for me.  He puts the state of my soul at the top of his list and cherishes my heart more than anything else.  That one quality alone is a gift I hope I never take for granted.

Yes, three years ago we had a dream wedding.  We walked hand in hand under hundred year old oak trees and danced our hearts out surrounded by our dearest family and friends.  It was the perfect day.  But the most beautiful part was that God was glorified through it all. He is the reason why our marriage has been so filled with peace and joy.  How could we do this without Him?  Marriage is challenging. It's a choice.  And I cannot go on writing about it without giving our Lord the praise He rightly deserves.

Honestly, it's the ordinary stuff that makes marriage so special.  We knew entering into this day that our earthly and eternal happiness rested on how well we lived out our service to one another.  What that actually looks like in our everyday lives isn't some earth-shattering revelation.  It's found in a profound simplicity of living for something greater than yourself. It's...Sacrifice. Hand holding.  Tears.  Chasing dreams.  Making mistakes.  Asking for forgiveness.  Smiling through the hard stuff.  Stealing moments amidst toddler tantrums.  Dancing in the kitchen. 

It's being the one to make the coffee for the other in the morning. It's washing the dishes when they're dirty, and waking up at 2 a.m. to console a crying baby so the other one can sleep.  It's holding your wife's hand when she's crying and then listening -- really listening -- when she pours out her heart.  It's being patient with one another's faults by not trying to change them overnight, but instead, gently proposing an invitation to become the person God wills you to become. 

If anything, these past three years have taught me that love is anything but stagnant. It keeps growing and we keep learning. That's really what our marriage has looked like so far.  It's still in it's infancy, but I believe no matter where life takes our relationship, we will continue to be humbled by its lessons.  So, my Bradley, happy anniversary.  I know you'll read this because you are the biggest supporter of LFW and I just wanted to let the world (and by world I mean the few people who'll read this ;)) know how ridiculously happy you've made me.  I love you and I will continue to love you all the days of my life. 

PS > If you love weddings this is for you: view more photos from our wedding and a little interview I did about our day, HERE. Thanks for helping us celebrate another year down!

Mackinac Island | part one

Instead of giving gifts for holidays, Brad and I made the decision early on in our marriage to go on a trip each year to commemorate our anniversary.  We are more into making memories as a family instead of giving each other material things.  It's been something really special to look forward to each year and gives us a bit of a refresher when another year of marriage comes around.  For our third year anniversary, we picked the sweetest island town in northern Michigan called Mackinac Island. Seriously...there is cuteness and fudge shops around every corner. I had never heard of it before, but somehow we found out about it after we moved to Indiana and knew we had to make the drive.  

There are no cars on the island (my favorite part!), so travel is done the ol' fashioned way -- biking, walking, or riding in horse drawn carriages.  Like I said....the cuteness is overwhelming! You have to take a large ferry from the mainland in order to get to the city itself and Pier has been obsessed with boats ever since we arrived.  "I see boat?" is an interrogative toddler sentence we hear often. 

We when we about to board the ferry, the wind and waves were roughhhhhh.  The boat was rocking quite a bit more than my liking and Brad and I were both sea-sick by the time we got to Mackinac.  But I was in Mackinac Island! I'd been dreaming about this trip for months!  Nothing could rain on my parade!

Remember there are no cars on the island?  We decided to make the trek to our bed & breakfast carrying all our bags + toddler + stroller + pregnant me instead of hailing a carriage taxi.  We knew our hotel was directly next to a church, and we saw a steeple in the distance, we figured that's where we needed to go.  Well, it was the wrong church.  And the wrong church just so happened to be sitting on a massive hill.  And said massive hill was extremely difficult for pregnant Emily to climb.  And upon realizing it was the wrong church, the heaven's opened and it began to DOWN. POUR.  And Pier didn't like that so he started screaming.  And then we were soaked and shivering, because we're in northern Michigan and it was like 40 degrees.  And on top of it all, we were officially lost.

Greattt start to our relaxing island getaway am I right.  It all ended on a happy note...Some sweet locals took pity on that poor sight (us) and called a horse taxi for us to go to our hotel.  We arrived in one piece and added it to our "making family memories" mental scrapbook. 

We've taken so many photos of this place already, I decided to break it up into two blog posts so I don't overwhelm you with info-photo-overload. The first place we visited was a butterfly garden located right behind our b&b.  I was in heaven!  It was the perfect kid-friendly place to start off our trip.  There are also lots of scenic nature trails you can hike along throughout the island.  Hiking is a big family favorite, so you bet we soaked up all those breath-taking harbor views. 

Stay tuned for part two!

toddler toys for summer

On a lighter note, here's a list I put together of a few birthday gift ideas for Pier.  He'll be two in a month and, since the baby is due around the same time, I figured I'd get a jump on the gifting sooner rather than later. Indiana summer is an absolute dream, so the few toys we plan on buying will encourage us to spend as much time outside as possible.  How fun is this age?!

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my postpartum depression

 "I want you to know that you're validated in this...that this is very much a real thing, and that we're going to get you feeling like yourself again".  These were the words my doctor told me as she just diagnosed me with a severe depression and anxiety disorder.  My husband held my hand as my 1 year old played with the toys on the floor, oblivious to the magnitude of what was happening around him. When those words rushed over me, the tears came like a flood.  Tears of relief.  Tears of pain. Tears of hope.

You're validated in this.  This is real.

Those were the words I had longed to hear for over a year.  Why had I waited so long to ask for help?  Why did I ignore the signs again and again?  In one simple word, it was pride.  In my mind, I was the last person that would ever be diagnosed with depression.  Nope, not me.  I'm happy and normal and not crazy.  There's nothing to see here, folks. 

my favorite photo of us...taken a week after Pier was born

my favorite photo of us...taken a week after Pier was born

The month of May is mental illness awareness month.  It's taken a lot for me to even admit that I fall into the "mentally ill" category, but the Lord in His generosity held my hand through it all.  By His grace, He's healed my prejudices and given me the strength to accept this particular cross willingly.  Before I get into the details, I ask that you read my words through a compassionate lens.  This is extremely difficult for me to relive, but I think it needs to be said.  I've realized we need to be comfortable with talking about the hard stuff so that we can help others who are struggling in similar situations.  

I should also preface my story by saying I'm a good mom.  I love my son with every fiber of my being.  I would give my life for him.  I've made daily sacrifices for his wellbeing and will happily give more.  Depression is...a suffocating creature.  It twists your mind into believing disgusting things that you have no control over. It's a disorder that traps you into thinking that the only way out is by escaping from it all.  The symptoms are vast and differ from person to person leaving no story the same.  This is mine:

It was our first Sunday mass outing as a new family of three. I placed my beautiful one-week old son in his carseat.  Immediately after snapping the last buckle, I collapsed right there in the church parking lot. All of a sudden there was a massive weight on my chest and I could barely breathe or stand.  Brad and my mom came running to me with worried looks, and I naively laughed it off like it was no big deal.  I told my OB about the incident, but confidently stated there was no way it could be anxiety or depression -- I'm doing great!  I'm baking muffins and going on walks and enjoying all the new baby snuggles.  What was there to be anxious about?  She ran some tests, thinking it was a postpartum heart condition, and asked me to wear a heart monitor for the next month.  The results were inconclusive and I brushed it off again, thinking it was all in my head.  

The weeks went by.  I was engulfed in an unfamiliar world of diaper changes, sleep deprivation, and nursing marathons. My husband worked long hours, and I was often left fumbling alone with a newborn.  Some days when Pier would smile up at me, I didn't smile back. Immediately, a chill went up my spine.  What kind of mother was I?  I was starting to resent my baby...my sweet baby.  My baby who refused to sleep, who needed me and only me, and who was absolutely too much work for me to take care of.  Sometimes when I held him it would feel like bugs were crawling all over me...just the thought of picking him up when he cried was unbearable. The words, I can't do this any more often crept into my mind. There were even moments I would dream about leaving Pier in his crib and driving off, never looking back.  They are better off without me...they deserve so much more than I can give.  It was when I was alone, left with only my thoughts and a screaming newborn as company, that these terrifying lies invaded my mind.  I was scared...But I still said nothing. 

I was doing all the right things.  Exercising, eating my fruits and veggies, taking probiotics, praying constantly...and it did help.  But there would still be days where that weight on my chest would crush me.  I never vocalized any of it because I didn't recognize that there was even a problem. Looking back, I think I've always had a small history of anxiety and panic attacks. But I always credited those moments to fluctuating hormones stirring up some female-crazy.  It's harmless, right? These sort of things are normal in every woman's life...right? 

Wrong.

On June 1, 2016 things got from bad to worse.  Every unseen moment was spent in my bed crying, aching for some way out.  I was terrified of being left alone.  There were moments that I would beg my husband to never leave my side and, through tears, plead with him to stay home from work for the day. Little everyday tasks like leaving the house (even to go out in the backyard), cooking and baking, or putting away the groceries were overwhelming to me and it got to the point that I physically could not do them.  I remember one day coming home from grocery shopping and breaking down in front of my family.  I dropped the food, rushed outside, crouched down with my head between my legs, and began to sob uncontrollably.  It was a panic attack -- the worst one yet. I was shaken to my core afterward.  You would think that I would schedule a doctor's appointment that very minute, but still, my pride got the best of me.  Why can't I just "snap out of it"? This is ridiculous.  You're being so dramatic.  

To the outside world I was smiling and constantly seeking to be admired as a perfect wife and mother.  But on the inside?  On the inside, I was crippled.  My mind enslaved to bleak darkness...a darkness so encompassing that I knew the only way of deliverance was by relying on Christ alone.  The main comfort I had during that time was meditating on our Lord's passion.  I knew He experienced an unfathomable darkness in the Garden of Gethsemane. I imagined I was sitting with him, praying weakly, as the apostles slept.  I shifted my focus on being thankful -- thankful for His sacrifice and allowing me to share in a small part of it. 

It was Jesus who gently got me through.  He guided the voices of dear family and friends to encourage me to seek help. By July 2016, I scheduled my doctor's appointment and was officially diagnosed.  It's strange...when reflecting on the past 10 months, I realized that the first year of my son's life was both the happiest and the darkest time of mine.  It's a paradox: you are filled to the brim with joy and love for this beautiful, innocent baby and yet, you dread living out your days with him.  You dread the morning because that means you have to take care of someone else when you can barely take care of yourself.  You dread the evenings because that means you have to wake up the next day and do it all over again.  You dread picking up a screaming baby because you're going to loose it any second and you're scared about what might happen if you do.  You begin to resent your vocation, and your family suffers greatly because of it.  

It wasn't until I got on medication that I realized just how very bad off I was.  Is this how a typical mother feels?  Is this what it's like to live my life again?  It was night and day.  True, I still have overwhelming days, hard days, and frustrating days like any mother does...But I can handle them now.  I can function.  

Before having Pier, I had never met anyone with postpartum depression.  I never heard anyone talking about it and I was never warned about the symptoms.  That's why I decided to write these details out...in the hopes of helping those of you feel discouraged by an illness that you have no control over. The crippling darkness is not normal y'all, and if you think it is, then please talk to someone.  I am personally encouraged by others who share their own PPD stories and hope that if you recognize yourself in my own account, to seek professional help.  I want you to know that you aren't alone in your suffering.  Rest in the knowledge that the Lord never abandons His precious daughters in their trials and trust with absolute certainty that you are loved beyond measure.  There is always hope.  Always. God's peace be with you. 

baby registry must-haves

Can you tell I have babies on the brain?  One of my BFF's is expecting her first child and I"m beyond excited for her.  SO excited in fact, that I started putting together an e-mail for her of items I thought she might like to research for her registry...Then I decided I should probably share it with my blog friends too!  When I was planning out my registry with Pier, I had no idea what I was doing.  What will I really need for a baby?  Short answer is not much.  I feel like most items on here are for a parent's peace of mind rather than what a baby needs, but it makes for a fun blog post so here we are.  

This is a fun list of things I would register for if I could do it all over again. These I've either successfully used with Pier, on my wishlist for future babies, or have recently purchased via late-night-pregnancy-insomnia-induced-computer-splurges.  You know the kind.  

Enjoy!  (Get ready...I seriously have too much fun compiling lists like this..)

A FEW NOTES:

  • BORROW BABY GEAR | When the baby arrives, I would find a friend and borrow specialty gear related items like a swing, activity center, or rock-n-play because that way you'll see what your child prefers.  I think we didn't use half of the stuff we had with Pier...just be patient and know that each child is very different from the next.  
     
  • SHOP SECONDHAND | If you want to try something out but don't want to pay full price, I've had great success at consignment stores.  Not only are they an economical choice they also sell things in great condition.  Secondhand clothing is a life-savor. I will confess that baby clothes and blankets are something that I'm really sentimental about...I buy a small handful of nicer quality, organic heirloom pieces for my own selfish reasons, but end up buying everything else at Goodwill.  Also, Craigslist stalking is great for nursery furniture and anything else you might need.
     
  • THE THINGS NO ONE TELLS YOU | I only have experience with nursing, so you may need more items if you decide on bottle-feeding.  Breast pumps are great if you decide on that route and I know a lot of insurance companies provide coverage for them.  I got my medela pump for free...one less thing to register for!  I will say that I hate that thing though.  I much prefer this one.
     
  • THINK BIG PICTURE ITEMS |  When registering for bigger ticket items, research things that will grow with your child.  Convertible cribs, strollers, and high chairs are high on that list!  If I could do it all over again I would invest in a nice rocker that reclines instead of a fancy crib or dresser.  You spend quite a bit of time rocking babies (and toddlers) to sleep and it really pays off to have somewhere comfortable to do it.  Reclining feature is an optional luxury but boyyyy that would have been nice to have for those sleepless nights.
     
  • DON'T STRESS ABOUT IT | I know this looks like an overwhelming list!  I could easily go into more detail about why I picked certain things, so if you have any questions let me know.  In all honesty, babies don't need a lot of stuff...especially in those first few months.  Take comfort in knowing that all your little one needs is food, diapers, and lots of love and you'll be golden.